Death is But a Short Pause Between Life and Life Everlasting
Dear Matt ~
Unlike most people that are reading these letters or writing
these letters, I never knew you. I was just there for my friend the day after
she heard the news of your death. I don't know much about you, but I do know
that people must have truly truly truly loved you and that you had a strong
impact on many lives.
My friend spoke so fondly of you and she cried at the thought of
never seeing you again. She truly misses you, as does everyone else that knew
you. After hearing about you so much and after reading these letters, I almost
feel as if I knew you the smallest bit. And even I, a person who has never met
you, will truly miss you.
In the short amount of time I have been hearing about you, you have
taught me some priceless lessons about people and myself. Thank you and you will
always be missed. I pray for your family and for you. I also pray for everyone
else affected by this tragic experience, but I pray that everyone will have
possibly learned something or that this will teach people to be aware of their
surrounding and not to take people and life for granted. Maybe if we all learn
to do this and learn to be more open to each other, we will never have to deal
with this again. I'm sorry that your life had to have ended so suddenly and
painfully, but I believe that you are in better place and God is keeping you
safe from pain. I'm sure you are looking down at all of us smiling right now and
knowing what we are all thinking and keeping us safe from harm. One day soon you
will see your family and friends again, so don't cry and don't miss us, just
look after us and pray for us to make good decisions. Goodbye, Matt Kane, you
will always be missed and loved.
Death is but a short pause between life and life everlasting.
-Anonymous
Dear Matt,
We saw your warm smile everyday at the pool, and everyday it lightened
our hearts and made us spread a smile, also. Even though we never knew you
well, the small amount that we did, will stay with us forever. We hope you
find your place in heaven.
Love,
-Three Members of the BAC Junior Team
At The Pool Each Day
Dear Matt,
I saw your smile at the pool each day, your smile was so warm.
I saw your face at the pool each day, you face always bared a smile.
I heard your voice at the pool each day, it was always saying something kind.
I watched you swim in the pool each day, you swam so great, so bold, so fast.
I enjoy going to the pool each day, and that is because of people like you.
Matt, I did not know you all that well, I wish I had, but I can't change that
any more. You left us for a better place, I hope heaven enjoys your
touching personality as much as we did, and will continue to do so.
-A Member Of The Junior Team
It's Supposed to Get Better...
Matt,
Everyone says that the pain is
supposed to get better....but with each and every day i only miss you more and
more. I keep thinking that your going to walk through the doors of BAC wearing
the shirt you always wore: the one that has a fat man on it, he is naked but
over his privates he is holding a screen which shows clothes on him. I remember
the first time I saw you in that shirt. I just started to laugh. if this had
happened a year ago, it wouldn't have effected me nearly as much as it did. I
only got to know you and talk to you from October to until you died. I remember
you said to me, "hey when your a junior you'll look back on your freshman
year and realize what a loser you were" that was the Friday before. no one
I have known has ever died before, and the first funeral I went to was yours. in
a way I kind of regret getting to know you over the past couple of months. it
makes this pain so much greater to deal with. but in the end I realize that you
did touch my life and that was a good thing. every time I hear "Steal my
sunshine" on the radio I just want to burst out crying. I can almost
picture you singing it, and it makes me so sad that I will never hear you sing
it again. i remember you saying "what's up ladies? my ass itches can u itch
it for me...?" I would always just laugh. its so sad that I didn't really
talk to u on Tuesday. I saw you sitting on the bleachers after practice. I was
going to say something but u left before I had the chance. if only I had known
that that would be my last chance to talk to you. i cant believe I'm never going
to see you again, I'm never going to go to buffalo with you, or Colorado, or
another other meet. I'm never going to laugh at your jokes, or hear you sing.
hopefully this pain will get better, but for now it just hurts so much because I
miss you so much. I really hope that your in heaven now, even though I wish you
were here. I love you matt.
-Ally
PS. When people were around you, no one had "cold empty eyes" but instead they were warm and loving because that is just the effect you had on people. maybe later in life I'll meet someone like you.
No One Has It All Figured Out
Even though we were not friends, I still considered you to be an
all out great guy. Your peers and teachers would look at you and say to
themselves "He's got it all figured out." We made a mistake by
thinking that. No one has it all figured out. I remember when I actually heard
the announcement on the intercom, I remember that at first I was in shock. My
mind didn't quite grasp the situation. People in my class started breaking down
and could no longer hold their composure. I sat there in my desk and I felt
guilty that I wasn't sad. I felt like, "why don't I feel anything?" I
went to work that day and as time went on, I started thinking about it more and
more, and finally I couldn't get it out of my mind. I went home feeling like I
had no direction, I didn't know what to think. So I took out my eighth grade
through 10th grade yearbooks because I just wanted to see you again. I was
thumbing through the pages when I came across a picture of you when you won
"Most Optimistic". You had a glass that was filled halfway and the
subtext read, "Matt always sees the glass as half full." When I read
that, that's when I broke. That is the point where I finally realized that you
were gone from this earth and I would never see you again. I think that I
couldn't grieve in front of everyone. I didn't know how. I thought I was ok from
that point. Then I went to your wake and I had heard that your family decided to
keep the casket open. I was happy they made that decision because I needed to
see you. I needed to say goodbye to your face no matter how hard it would be. As
I knelt to pay my respects, I broke once again. I can't describe the actual
feeling I had. I wish you would have reached out to someone. So many people
would have helped you. I wish I could have. Now that you are gone, I feel bad,
that I didn't get to know you better, I wish I did. But the past is something we
can not change and unfortunately, we can only learn from what you did.
-A Classmate
Who else... ?
Dear
Matt,
This may seem like a belated effort, but I really couldn't do this until now,
nearly 4 months after you took your own life. This has easily been the most
difficult thing I have had to go through, and I still have such a sense of
sorrow that I know will never fully leave me. I put a letter in your locker the
day after this happened, but since then I haven't been able to sort out what I
am feeling enough to submit another. Before I was confused and in such an
enormous amount of pain. Of all the people I know, I needed you to help me get
through this. You were one of the few people that could make me smile and laugh,
no matter how miserable or stressed I was. Over the past few months, the days
following the news and the wake and the funeral have played over and over again
in my mind. It is so unreal. I think of all the many, many memories we have
shared, and am so sad and angry that we will never be able to make more. School
has been so dull and different without you. Your absence in Slack's class and at
the lunch table is so obvious to me. Who else is patient enough to try to
explain math to me, a mathematical moron? Who else will tie me up on the First
Aid table at PVP? Who else will listen to my problems, and make the most
monumental ones seem so manageable? And Matt, who else am I going to marry now?
Come on, how many times have we discussed these plans? My mother won't settle
for anyone but you, you know that! I will always keep in my heart the memory of
the night we had at the Maxwell's -- I loved just hanging out with you and
talking about things that mattered. You were one of the most intelligent,
generous, witty, attractive, and kind-spirited people I know. Hey, you had to be
pretty special-- who else would I have let keep my Nintendo? :) Whenever you
called or I saw you in the halls, I was genuinely glad, and I know that Ridge,
PVP, and myself will never be the same without you. I miss you so much and think
about you every day. If only I could have prevented you from robbing us of such
a wonderful human being. Thank you for all you did for me, I am honored to have
been one of your friends.
All my love always and forever,
-Katie
So I Sit Here Crying...
Dearest Matt,
Well, it has been four months and 23 days, but still
the pain gets worse and worse everyday. It is almost unbearable, but I
know I must go on. I must live the life that you were unable to. I
wonder... if you know... if you can see us all... crying... still. I
wonder... if you have realized yet how much we all loved you. Will I ever
know?
I have never gone a day without thinking of you, not even an
hour. Some days are worse than others. Sometimes I just want
to curl up in my bed and never leave. Just lie there forever. Other
times I just want to scream, scream so loud that everyone can hear me and know
my pain. Then there are times when I just want you back. I selfishly
just want you back, to walk through the doors at Berkely and for everything to
be as it was... before. But then I realize that that would mean that you
would again be in pain, and that is not what I want. I never wanted you to
be in pain.
You know how with some people, even the people closest to
you, you can't picture them exactly when you close your eyes. Well, with
you, when I close my eyes I can see every tiny detail about your face.
Your sparkling eyes, eyes that I never knew could feel such pain and see the
world so cruelly. Your beautiful smile. A smile that could light up
a thousand dark skies and cure any problem that I had. Your hair. I
always loved your hair, with the tiny little curls. But now I only can see
this in my memories and the few pictures that I still have of you.
Sometimes I almost want to be mad at you, I want to
blame you, to take the guilt off of myself. But for some reason I can't.
I can't imagine that you would hurt me on purpose. When you died, I often
heard other people say that they were mad at you, or how could he do that to me,
as if you were out to get them. I never said that. The only person's
pain I blame you for is Katelyn's. I can't help but think that you were
her older brother and you were supposed to protect her from pain, but instead
you gave it to her. I don't think you meant to, actually, I know you
didn't mean to, but you did.
When I see Katelyn, I sometimes wonder how she was so strong,
how she has been able to go on with her life, still living in the house
you both shared. Passing your door everyday, remembering the talks you
would have. I remember her at your funeral. She held herself with
such grace, knowing that you would have wanted her to be strong. Knowing
that you would have wanted her to be there for others as you always were.
And she was. You should have seen her. You would have been so proud.
I only wish that you could see her now, how beautiful she is and how much she
reminds me of you. Maybe you can see her. Oh please tell me you can.
So I sit here crying for you, crying for everyone who
knew you and loved you, crying for everyone who never got the chance to know you
and should have, everyone should have known you, I am crying for myself, my life
which will always be missing something, that will always have an empty place
where you once stood, one that can only be filled by my memories of you, but
most of all.... I cry for you, for the fact that you had to die to realize how
much I loved you, how much they loved you, how much everyone loved you, for that
I cry. Since you died the tears run endlessly. But as you did, I
bottle up my emotions. I should have learned, you should have taught me.
We could have moved on together, helping each other to share how we feel, but no
one ever taught us. Now it is too late, and I wonder what the point is.
There isn't one, not anymore. So I go one alone, without someone to hold
my hand and urge me forward. Alone.
I still wonder why, why you did it. I guess I
will never know. If only you had told me, I could have helped, I could
have tried. But you never gave me a chance. Why? So I sit here
looking at your picture, you look so happy, who would have guessed you were
dying inside. Not me, I never knew. You could not fake the smiles
and laughs I saw, I'll never believe that you were that good of an actor.
I'll never believe.
I still don't think that I have realized your really
gone. I always think that I'll turn around and there you will be, smiling,
laughing, singing your little songs, wearing the "fat man
shirt." Oh how I miss you, how we all miss you. If you
only knew your potential, that you had the power to make anything happen.
Anything.
So I must go. I hope that you get my
letter. I hope that you read it over and over, and know that every word is
true. But if from it you get only one thing, understand that I love you, I
always have and always will. I'll never forget you, I promise. I love you.
Goodbye, I'll see you soon,
Love always and forever,
-I'm Sure You Know Who
P.S. Never forget to smile.
To Anyone And Everyone At Berkeley
I love all of you and I feel like all of you are my family. If you feel and know that pain so well that Matt caused everyone then you know you need to speak up! I don't care who you are, what your problems are, or what you need from me but I know that I will do everything in my power to listen to everything you have to say and help you. The problem with people who are depressed is that they don't look ahead a year, a month, or even a day into the future. They can't see tomorrow because all of their problems stop them. Think about this: When you commit suicide, you interrupt your natural destination and faith. You leave your friends, family, and everyone that knew you with terrible, horrible, unbearable grief.
Yea I know everyone says that the pain is supposed to get better, but we all know it doesn't. But if you can find the strength with in yourself to deal with your problems in a much better way then Matt then you are a truly, special person. What I can't understand is that you are following Matt's foot steps and not telling anyone! Please oh god, please, do not cause anyone anymore pain. Don't you understand that you are lucky that you know anyone and everyone from BAC will help you? Sometimes I will hear the words "hanged" "suicide" "death" "funeral" and i will just think of him. But that's ok. To an extent. Don't let it rule your life. The way you deal with your problems is what makes you who you are because everything in life that goes wrong makes you stronger. Oh god, I can't even imagine that someone else feels like Matt did. I can't imagine that after this anyone would EVER consider taking their own life or "joining matt". I will say this about every single person from Berkeley: maybe at times we all fight a little or make fun of each other, but in the end, we all would do anything for each other and we all love each other. I would give anything to know who you are because then you could get help. The hardest thing about life is death, but what you need to think is that Matt could possibly be happier. But after all, who really knows what happens after death or suicide. Heaven? Reincarnation? The bible says maybe not heaven for those who take their own life. Well . . . . . I have no idea what I think. But ask yourself this: Do you really wanna not wake up tomorrow? Do you really never wanna swim again, hang out with friends, go on date, go to a party or laugh again? Because if you take your own life, none of these things will be guaranteed to you. If this is just a sick prank, then that makes you a horrible person. But if the person that wrote that actually feels like that, then I'm scared to death. I don't think I can lose someone else, so soon. What you have to do is find it with in yourself to get help. Because no one wants to look around the pool and realize your not there and break down and cry. You've gotta be strong: summer is coming up, Colorado will be awesome. But you have to make it. You can, believe me. After everything you've achieved in swimming, hey, you can do anything. Have faith in yourself and speak up. You'd be surprised how not only everyone will listen, but everyone will help. I love you, and I say this, not knowing who are. And that says a lot.
Love,
A Swimmer at
BAC
Is It Selfish of Me to Want You Here So Badly?
Dear Matt,
I don't really know where to start.
It has been almost 6 months since you left us, and the pain hasn't subsided one
bit. Not one day goes by where I don't think of you; how I wish someone could
have helped you, stopped you from doing this. No one will ever forget you, you
are amazing. I only wish that you were still here, to be at practice with us
everyday, and swim at every meet with us. In my heart I know you are watching us
from above. Is it too selfish of me to want you to here so badly? I miss those
times you when you would sing songs to the girls in practice, and of course make
us all laugh. I am so happy that I have so many good pictures of you, to help me
remember even more great times we shared. Where ever you are at this moment, I
hope you have finally reached happiness. I miss you, always and forever.
Love,
From A
Loving Teammate At Berkeley
Matt~
Hey! What's up? I haven't
written here in a while and i just wanted to say that i miss you more than i
ever have. Your in my prayers every night. And i think about you
more than anybody knows. Well, I hope that you are having fun in heaven and that
everything is what you wanted it to be. I think constantly about what it is like
up there in heaven, but i guess my time will come when nature and God wants it
to. Well, i just wanted to say that i miss you so much.
Lots of Love,
A Teammate
at Berkeley
In Case You Didn't Know
Matt.. in case you didn't know.. u were:
1) an outrageously funny kid
2) intelligent
3) caring
4) extremely athletic
5) very good looking (hey its soo not
true that only gross girls wanted you!!)
6) very nice
(YOU WERE THE PERFECT GUY FOR ME AND YOU KNOW IT!)
---->And that is why i cry. I cry that 30 years from now you will be remembered
as a friend that committed suicide, not as what i listed above. you are no
longer those qualities in body, but in spirit and memories. suicide is a
permanent solution to a temporary problem. you made one huge mistake in your
life, and had to be this one?
Damn.
-Anonymous-
Steal My Sunshine
Matt,
I honestly haven't had tears come to
my eyes for you in 3 months. But tonight, when I got home from the Memorial Day
Meet, I broke down. I heard this one song on the radio that they overplayed in November.
i hadn't heard it since you died, and when it played, I found myself daydreaming
about you. Wondering.. you would have been in the 200 backstroke tonight!! So as
I got home, I went up to my room. I sat on my bed and stared at the clock. Then
I just started to cry, hysterically, perhaps harder than I ever cried in my
life. I lied down on my bed and and cried. I turned up my music loudly so my
family wouldn't hear me. Then I took out a scrap book I made of you. It had
pictures, e-mails from you, and other memories. I looked at the pictures and I
couldn't believe how gorgeous you were. I guess you kind of had an acquired
taste, girls had to know what you were like before crushing on you. Funny, you
were smiling in all those photos. Well I then put my scrap book away. I went
online to this website..sometimes its the only place I can go to when I feel
down about you. I read through EVERY single letter, twice. It took me around 2
1/2 hours. I signed off, and sat back down on my bed. I went downstairs and was
getting myself a glass of water and I got chills down my spine. Have you seen
the movie the sixth sense?..well i suddenly felt your presence. For a mere half
of a second I felt what it was like to be surrounded by you Matt. I dropped my
water on the floor, and your presence seemed to disappear, so suddenly. I went
back upstairs and decided to turn on the radio. Figures, they would play steal
my sunshine. i would give anything in this world to hear you sing it again. I
listened to the song, and broke down crying again. I decided to go back online
and right this letter. I myself have no intentions what so ever of committing
suicide. I just feel so down about you. I've actually been A LOT better lately.
Certain things just make me think of you though. Like your beautiful sister or
the backstroke, or pink floyd. No one will ever be in the top ten of their class
and as funny as you all in one. That was something truly amazing. I feel a lot
better that I wrote this, it's time to move on, it's time to remove you from my
buddylist. Well, when I'm ready I'll do that. I'm not crying right now. I need
to know one thing. What would my life be like right now if you were here. What
would Colorado be like, or would morning practices be, um, gasp, FUN?! would i
look forward to lifting weights so i could be in your presence?? would i smile
at the thought of swimming at NP because you would be so so close to me?? But
all those questions are unanswered, rhetorical, unanswered!!! they can NEVER be
answered. Another thing I would like to know is are you in heaven?? god i hope.
I think maybe when I die I could see you there. You'll tease me in a flirtatious
way of course, like you always did. That, I will miss more than anything! No one
could understand our bond, and you know what we shared. (wink, wink) Hey, you
know those secrets you asked me to keep?? well--I've kept them!! its been. hard.
But ill always keep them to myself. I have to ask you something matt, quite a
few things actually. Oh, I guess they can wait.
-BAC Friend-
I miss you Matt. I guess no one else does because no one talks about you anymore.... but if my thoughts were words I'd be endlessly reminiscing about you all day.
Love you,
-Junior at
Ridge-
My God Help You and Your Family Be Strong
Matt,
I have been thinking about you for a
long time now. I try not to stop thinking about you each day. And,
although I wish I had more memories of you, the ones I do have are fond. I
wish you could see and feel how I feel now. Its been a while since you
left, and still that day remains in my memory. Your angelic presence will
never leave, and its times when I remember you, on that day, your face glowing,
its days like that when I remember that God is here, and taking care of you.
I just wish I could say or do more to help your or to help your family.
But, when I see them, I always say a prayer. May God help you and your
family be strong. Please, feel better.
-Anonymous-
I Will NEVER Forget You
Dear Matt,
It has been many months since your
death and I still think about you daily. Your image is embedded in my
memory, your curly blonde hair that we always joked felt like a sheep, your baby
blue eyes, gorgeous smile, Pink Floyd shirt, and "Air Kane" sneakers.
I have wanted to write this letter to you for a while, but could never bring
myself to do it, it either made me too sad or depressed. Matt, I miss you!
I miss you greeting me everyday, I miss you faxing me those silly messages, and
most of all, I miss you making me laugh. We had so many good times
together. I would have done anything for you, why didn't you tell me you
were hurting so much? Matt, you never said good-bye. Sometimes I
don't understand why you did it, you have so many friends who love you so much.
I can't stop replaying those horrifying three days over in my mind. I would
shiver every time I heard an announcement, the memories are all so painful. I
would have helped you, I feel like I failed you as a friend, but I cared about
you so much, and always will. I was hoping this letter would create some
closure, but i just can't bring myself to say goodbye. You and your family
are in my daily thoughts and prayers, I will NEVER forget you, I love you Matt.
I know you are now at peace with yourself, but know you will never be forgotten.
Your friend ALWAYS
-Susan-
Dear Friends of Matt,
It is six months since Matt has left us.
I know that your letters, poems etc. are of great comfort to his family. When
someone dies it is nice to know that they are not forgotten. We miss Matt
terribly as you all do. I often wonder what we can learn from this and
what we can do each day in Matt's memory. I think by doing what Matt did,
cheering up people, listening, helping, and taking the time to just care about
others is a way to ensure that Matt is always with us. I know when I am
feeling sad I check this site to see what new writings are posted. I just
wanted to let you all know that we thank you from the bottom of our hearts for
sharing your thoughts on Matt.
~Kathy Corr ~ (His Dad's Sister)
Today 7/27 is Matt's birthday. We love you Matt and miss
you more each day! Happy Birthday!!!
One More Time Won't Hurt
Matt,
Its been almost a year now, and i still think about you constantly. Everyday
i'll see something, or hear something, and i'll think of you. There are always
memories or visions popping into my head randomly. This is just so hard to get
over. I know everyone who has contributed to this website has made it clear that
you will never, ever be forgotten, but i figure one more time won't hurt. Matt,
we all love you so much, you are and will be in our hearts, and in our minds
forever. I guess i just wanted to say that I miss you and I love you. love
always and forever,
-Sarah-
Dearest Matt,
I know you can read this and I hope you realize that even 1000 miles away I
can't forget how wonderful you were and I think about you every day . I hope
that you now realize that you were and still are loved .
Love,
-Your Hungry Jack Girl-
I Still Miss Him and I Know Other People Do Too
I know everyone deals with pain in their own way. But it's
approaching the year since the worst day of my life, and i feel as if matt never
existed. no one talks about him, and while I am not in people's heads, it almost
feels like no one thinks of him either. am i odd... not a day goes by since November
17 that i don't think about him. i still hate myself for not being there, and i
still feel the hurt of him not being here. I know I'm not the only one hurting,
but that's how i feel. how can we heal on the inside if the wound is constantly
reopening? how can we be done grieving, when the most wonderful person to enter
our lives is gone for good? senior year will empty be without him, and so will
all the days to come. I still miss him, and I know other people do too, I just
wish we were all able to show how we feel.
-Anonymous-
My God Help You ay Be Strong
Matt-
I just wanted to let you know, a year ago, I saw you for the last time.
How i wish i said something smarter to you instead of see you in the morning.
If only I knew....but then again no one knew because you did not tell anyone.
I just wanted to acknowledge that I still remember you and still think about you
Matt. You were a great person and I miss you dearly.
Love Always-
-You know who :-)-
If there's a Heaven, I know that's where you are
Dear Matt,
it's been a year since we all lost you. It's hard to believe, you've been in my
classes since first grade, and now you won't be graduating with me. people have
told me that the pain will go away in time. while it has dulled from reality
hitting me over and over again in the face, I think of you daily; how we hurt
you, how you hurt us, the impact you made on my life.
Why do I even kid myself. I'll never feel better that I let you down. how
could I, you were a great kid, destined for great things. anyone who never met
you has been cheated out of a truly wonderful experience. how can this letter
express how I feel? all the moments I've wondered how your doing, all the times I've
smiled to myself and thought how much you would like something; the list goes
on. what else can I do besides write this letter? Anything else seems futile. I
talk to you, but you'll never reply. I'm not a religious person, but if there is
a heaven, I know that's where you are, and you know now how much we all love
you. I'll see ya there.
-Al-