A Bout of Hateful Depression - Lies

Chances lost, opportunities tossed
Rationalized by unsubstantial reasoning
The icing on the cake of your self-righteous lies, your self-loathing, your hateful ties
To all these lost things, all these "what-could-have-beens" - Inside brings
Emotional stress, outside heartless mess of distress and blessed hate
Recreating in us all that has been missed, a recollective list of past events
A poisonous kiss, a stabbing fist
Anger spawn, procrastination wrong, singing our song of last minute thoughts
Can you give me motivation? Which would unlock the secret of creation, of annihilation?
Always asking, why would I do this to myself?
I knew the reward of the reaming chore, yet put off
Feeding on the subconscious, down to the core, breeding unsure-
Ness in the fist of anger, in the splendor of distempurature
Fuck your inspiration
Fuck your motivation
Fuck this incisive fabrication, taking station in my depressive thoughts
I see the dependent faults
Self inflicted, that have always restricted me from happiness
Thankless chore, fruitless journey, but why can't I see
The journey was meant for someone better than me, more qualified, more dignified, more disciplined, more skilled, more intelligent, less reluctant
To try his best
Who do I have to blame, only myself for this mess
I'm told it happens to the best, but also the rest where I lie? 
Must I cry myself to sleep, must I meekly weep?
Tears of regret, tears of distrust, in self, in others, in the light at the end of the incredulous muddle
Why must I fucking need to?!?!?!?!
In defense, thrust from yourself, thrust lies, cries, indescribable feeling that defied
All you have ever taught yourself
Burning in my chest, this emotional explosion, excursion
Fleeing from life, this accomplishes nothing, but insisting…
When I try I fail, we all live we will all die
Why bother? Why ask for the failure? Why ask to be let down, dragged through the mud?
Stepped on tortured heart, pride and soul, chewed up, spit out and stomped on
Lash out Feel the pain inside Heal the pain inside 
Channel the anger, feel the stagger brought on my too much
Responsibility
Too much for me, too much trust
Now thrust back at them, those who trusted, those who lusted for the perfect perception of life
A knife the cure, a knife ending distempurature
But no, why end it worse than the present, why leave the few who once cared that present
Just pass on the blame, pass on the pain
Laughing external, crying internal, eternal
The thirst can not be quenched, no - flushed, down with the my salted eyes, down with my cries
The endless chores, the meaningless, ineffective cures - the lies
Recursive faults, reversed routs, once I was ended in the right direction…
Self reflection, this section of life, not worth the strife
Too much has gone wrong with me, lately, I see its do to me
No scapegoat here, no cheer for the searing and sneering of others, but for the incredible fearing
Fearing who I am, fearing what I have done, fearing what I will do, and fearing what the future will bring
Fearing the endless tearing, the smearing of life dripping down my cheek
Why is this happening to me?